so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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