New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
