Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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