My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
