I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I would fuck him just for his dog
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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