Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
