matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
