I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The power of my boobs compel you
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
