Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
worst night to have a conscience
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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