my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
