Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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