I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
