I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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