I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
