I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
