you didnt know i had herpes?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
