my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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