Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
