I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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