It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
