no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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