Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
