fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
