im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
