u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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