Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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