What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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