If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
