It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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