my phone needs a breathalizer
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
