.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
