Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
