somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
