i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
