Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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