i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
