booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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