I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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