if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
