I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
