apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
