the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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