I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize