For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
