My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we made out on top of his cat.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
