I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
