if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
porn star boner night. come get it.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
