come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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