if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
