remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
