i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
