Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
