I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
