Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
