Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
