census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
