I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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